Love is a little thief,
a little serpent is love,
He takes away and gives peace
as he pleases to the heart.
From the eyes to the breast as soon as
a path through he makes
that the soul is enchained,
and freedom taken away.
He brings sweetness and pleasure
if you let him do,
but he fills you with disgust
if you attempt to fight.
If in your breast he settles,
if he pecks you here
Do all that he commands,
as also I will do thus.
(translation by Sally Mouzon)
i went to sit and have lunch at a local coffeeshop today, an egg salad sandwich and an americano. as i was sitting there i grabbed the little newsletter that is published weekly here in cape breton and flipped to the back to read my horoscope.
it said that it may be wise to avoid spending time in others' company as most of the time when i am with others, i still feel lonely.
it is very true, and is an accurate re-cap of how i have felt in the past while. after coming back "home" it seems that the people i used to spend time with are no longer present - either physically, or emotionally. it is chilling, so i have found ways to occupy myself and be ok with being alone.
it seems that all this time, i really was alone - i was simply ignorant of the fact.
i have often pondered whether it would be better to hold a pessimistic view of the world so that when good things actually came my way, i would appreciate them more.
i had predicted that moving back home for the summer would be pretty bad, maybe even so bad that i would become suicidal.
well, it's been about three weeks now and i'm still alive.
(still, days are awfully insipid.)
it is one of those times, it seems, that the only music that seems appropriate is bach and minimalism. they are on opposite ends of the spectrum, but do have much in common. i worked on the capriccio from bach's second partita for the keyboard this afternoon for about an hour - which naturally lead to a surplus of coffee finding its way into my bloodstream. the tremors have started.
i have been reading kierkegaard's ''fear and trembling'' in an effort to educate myself further on philosophical matters. i am sorely confused lately in regards to how faith and reason play themselves out in my life, so perhaps reading into this some more will help me to shed some light on the subject.
as i tremor and shake, i am reminded of a great piece by john adams called 'shaker loops' - specifically, the first movement. the shaking is a reference to a "shaker" colony that john adams remembered from his childhood. excerpted from their official creed:
"They were often exercised with great agitation of body and limbs, shaking, running, and walking the floor, with a variety of other operations and signs, swiftly passing and repassing each other, like clouds agitated with a mighty wind. These exercises, so strange in the eyes of the beholders, brought upon them the appellation of Shaker."
he told me this, and then he removed himself from his context completely. none of what he said to me makes any sense any more, i've lost it. i had it and i've lost it.
"it sounds almost as though you are limerent; but all your tremendous investment has become unbearable, because it is not affirmed. often in limerence we spend so much time with our ideas of a person, in the space in our mind we have reserved for just the two of us, that our ideas of the person, and our whole sense of the relationship, become impossible to reconcile with what is actual outside our dreams. in any case, it is very painful to relinquish investment; one is always reluctant to do so.
despair is intense because relative to what hope you had before, now you feel absolutely hopeless. however, wait: there will always be beautiful opportunity again. people need affirmation; very sorry for the present dearth of this. I doubt that poverty is ever happy."
it is unbearable, and yes, unaffirmed.